Shia LaCrazy

Shia LaCrazy
What in the fuck happened to Shia Labeouf??  Dude went from getting paid to make out with Megan Fox and Rose Huntington-Whiteley and talk to fake robots, to wearing a paper bag over his head that said "I'm not famous anymore." He's in the middle of a meltdown the likes of which we haven't seen since Britney and Joaquin Phoenix.  I'm not saying it's Bynes status, but let's face it - he's a mess.  I can still remember HBO making that show Project Greenlight and him being cast in that crappy Read more [...]
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Does Using Snapchat With My Buddy Make Me Gay

Does Using Snapchat With My Buddy Make Me Gay
Snapchat: When I wake up the first thing I do is sprint to my phone to see what presents the Yellow Holy Ghost has left me. I can't wait to mentally download the new material for my spank bank! I hope he left me some 3 and 7 second  Snap mixed-gift variety packs - I can never make it through the 10 second ones if I haven't had a spoonful of my orange flavored medicine Adderall.  I wonder if I got some "don't show or I will kill you" mild Snapchats with a slight filter or if I got the classy, bathroom Read more [...]
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The Man Responsible For Olympic Ring Mishap Found Dead In Sochi And Might Be late For Work On Monday

The Man Responsible For Olympic Ring Mishap Found Dead In Sochi And Might Be late For Work On Monday
Man Responsible For Olympic Ring Mishap Found Dead In Sochi   The man responsible for operating the Olympic Rings during last night’s Winter Olympics opening ceremony in Russia was found dead today. Avdeyev was a technical specialist responsible for the Olympic Ring spectacle, which embarrassingly malfunctioned last night. Five animatronic snowflakes were supposed to transform into Olympic Rings.  “Sure there were stab wounds and bruises all over the body,” admits the lead investigator Read more [...]
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Olympic Opening Ceremonies 2014

Olympic Opening Ceremonies 2014
The opening Olympic Opening Ceremonies were interesting, turning into a ballet/musical for the last 90 minutes and making me thankful I don't ever get dragged to go watch that kind of shit.  If you were smart enough to DVR the whole thing it'd be perfect viewing material for a night at home on some really strong mushrooms.  The real reason most people tune in is to see all the hot athletes walk around and I'd like to point out that Sweden greatly disappointed this year. Apparently all the hot Read more [...]
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Shittay Sochi Olympics

Shittay Sochi Olympics
I can't ever remember an Olympic venue getting so much publicity before the Opening Ceremonies have even started.  The Sochi Olympics was already gonna go down as an absolute shit show - seriously,  whose brilliant idea was it to have the games in a country known mostly for vodka, the mob, and a president who takes shirtless pics with guns and horses??  The bathrooms are like something out of that movie Trainspotting - you can’t even put toilet paper in the toilets, it goes in the trash. Can Read more [...]
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5 Worst Drivers

5 Worst Drivers
1.)The “chill, I have nowhere to be cuz it's Sunday”, drivers: Except it’s a fucking Tuesday evening asshole and I'm stuck behind you on a 2 lane road, not a side street in the country.  They can also be referred to as “Q-tips” as typically they're old as shit and shouldn't be driving anyways. I mean haven't we had enough “oops I thought the accelerator was the break and drove over a crowd of people” moments to implement some tighter old-people driving laws?  My Grandfather had Read more [...]
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An Idiot’s Guide To Dick Soaking

An Idiot’s Guide To Dick Soaking
Have You Ever Dick Soaked? Thanks to a great tip by a howzyafatha follower I learned what “dick soaking” was last night. It was a follow up to my flurry of BYU stories yesterday. I didn’t inquire too much as to how he knew about it but I did a little research and went to Urban Dictionary. Here is the definition: In the Mormon faith couples who wish to engage in pre-marital activities but do not want to dishonor their faith use the dick soak method. The dick soak method occurs when the males Read more [...]
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Super Bowl 2014 Media Day

Super Bowl 2014 Media Day
Unless your team is in the Superbowl, and at this point with 30 teams out there's a good chance they're not, Media Day is an absurdity that's forced down everyone’s throats. Basically, unless you're a reporter or a third string bench player, you fucking hate Super Bowl 2014 media day.  There's always one up-and-coming, semi-famous female reporter asking one of the players to marry her.  He won't BTW, but he'll probably bang you in the lobby of the players’ hotel at 3am after the game and Read more [...]
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Sexual Healing

Sexual Healing
I've noticed more and more that when celebrities get caught up in adultery these days they release some half ass press release saying how sorry they are and that they're checking themselves into rehab for "sex addiction" or "health" reasons.  Mr. Californication David Duchovny has been treated for it multiple times. It's not his fault Tea Leoni, all those X-files aliens were fucking sexy.  Most recently Tori Spelling’s husband was caught and immediately went in for treatment, although if I had Read more [...]
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Strippers Always Chase Away The Sads

Strippers Always Chase Away The Sads
For once, can't one of my female staff get smoked? If a chick gets dumped you will be replaced by lunchtime. My ex (actually last two) moved their stuff from my apartment into my neighbors the same day - sure made for super fun, no eye contact, silent movie morning elevator rides. Not going to air The LAB's dirty laundry, but one of us (our accountant) got served and now has 'The Sads."  Gay. You know what I did when I got dumped? Yup, called my pink mustache limo driver. Then went on a month Read more [...]
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