Yippee-Ki-Nay, Muthafucker: How to Avoid Small Talk

Yippee-Ki-Nay, Muthafucker: How to Avoid Small Talk

How to Avoid Small Talk

Everyday I wake up with the sweats (usually from drinking) but mostly from realizing I have to survive 16 waking hours to avoid small talk. I made a quick survival guide that may one day save your life.

Mournings: (Getting from your building to your car) The first 10 minutes when entering Pandora you are at your most vulnerable. Adderal/social armor hasn’t kicked in and you haven’t yet acclimated to avatar you. Remember, everything in the world Pandora wants to talk to you, share bipartisan political opinions with you or tell you about their cats.

Anderson Cooper eye roll

Thank goodness you didn’t drink all night and you updated your trusty corruption zone map and you won’t have to play dude where’s my car for the 1000th time this week.

MapHopefully, Eywa is going to be a loving job-promoting deity today and not be a little bitch about us mining up all her “clean” unobtanium and will provide safe passage. Aww Frack her, too late. Lonely Old Guy (m305) He is never up this early. The first small talk is almost life threatening.. Get it on the books and bolt when you count the 3rd pregnant pause. “Stoupendous. Oh no, YOU have a good morning, Lonely Old Guy.”  Jesus Christ, that was rough and you got advice. Way too early for a double penetration.  One down, a trillion to go. I roll played this a thousand times. Keep your eyes down. like we practiced with the Mexican guys In Vegas handing out stripper club business cards – only we are going to be more successful next time.

Almost there. 50 feet till I reach the safe zone (my car) but The Baby Jesus and Eywa are vengeful gods and want to test you. Hello, Cat Lady (n206) yes I am late but I have time. Round 2. You are never truly ready. Focus on your breathing. “No way, your cat also did more cat like activities? That’s b-a-n-a-n-a-s and crazy all at the same time. Cinnamon III does have mischievous adventures, and he should have his own show. LOL. Thank you for stopping and making me aware. I HOPE YOU FALL DOWN THE STARES AND FUCKING DIE  Have a great day!” I can’t wait to further our conversation about the exact same thing when I get home.
(Lunch) Hide. Find a toilet. Pull your feet up. Move around every 15 minutes so the restroom lights don’t  shut off. The last thing you want is more small talk why you are shitting in the dark. Go on Amazon Prime account while you are on the shitter. Order “Beats by Dre” the more colorful the better.
(Dinner) Open box at your front door. Don’t plug them in. No one on the planet will engage with an adult with unplugged purple Beats on. Suffering from moderate-to-severe Confabulationosis (fear of small talk) sucks frosted turds.
leo 2UPDATE: There is a new app called “Cloak” that helps you avoid people, once again rendering God irrelevant. Fuck you The Baby Jesus and fuck you Eywa. Never again, will you eat Chinese food next to a dumpster in the back alley because you can’t handle small talk about the benefits of a Paleo Diet from your Crossfit neighbor.

 

 

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