100o Things I hate
1000 things I fucken hate.
“Claiming The Toilet Seat Back From iPhones”
By Maxual Powers and his dog Baby Elvis
#125 Running out of underwear
#126 Running out of underwear you reversed
#127 Running out of underwear that you already reversed
#128 Driving to your mom’s house to do laundry http://www.losangelesbrahs.com/2014/01/17/dirty-laundry/ in winter and you can’t roll down the windows and when you get there you are trying to pick up your brain off the driveway like you are Edward Norton in the end of Fight Club suffering from a self inflicted olfactory concussion from the worst dutch oven from the gods. I hope Will Smith cures CTE from my sacrifice.
#129 Having to pretend to like your hot friend’s “slightly” unattractive shelter dog because you are trying to bang her.
#130 Having to accept your hot friend’s unattractive dog’s FB page request. Status: Fucken never. He was free? no way.
#131 When you get home from the grocery store and you realize you got tuna fish mixed with oil instead of water. Dafuq they make this for. Note to self: Increase adderal dosage next doc visit.
#132 When your girlfriend finds your “lucky sock” and its no longer funny because you are no longer 16.
#133 Sanitary napkins.
#134 Admitting it’s ok to use “male” sanitary napkins.
#135 Trying to fit “male” sanitary napkins into your skinny jeans. Can’t Tom Brady be the spokesman for UGG Fanny Packs and make those fucken things acceptable. Hey buddy, mind if I reach into your fanny pack and grab a Viking sanitary napkin? Aww fuck you only have lites my swamp ass needs a heavy for sure. Times are a changing.
#136 The end pieces of a loaf of bread. I can’t wait to make an oily tuna fish sandwich. Delightful..
#137 Badly cropped dick picks with poor composition. Why is the dick alone? Is it a grower? Does it want to fuck me? Will it push the boundaries too far on the first date? Fellas tell a story with your dick pics.
#138 Badly cropped curved dick pics. No Photoshop?
#139 Inappropriate cameos in your dick picks. I am sure Carlos Danger was like hmmm maybe I should put a little leather mask on my jr Carlos Danger and show her I am into kinky shit. Start slow before I go full grey. Naw fuck it. Real Carlos Danger jr get your damn ass in here and let Daddy strap you on like a kiddie toddler holster and lets freak this chick the fuck out. Balls out move to suggest a threesome with your two year old. The return text time on that one prob would have shattered the hardest of heroes. However, when you have the creative mind of a pedophile Herb Ritts showing your Inception inspired pic of your wiener from a Wiener its just another day. PS How did you get him to look into the camera?
#140 Taking a pic of your dog. e-v-e-r-y s-i-n-g-l-e t-i-m-e
#141 When the pharmacy runs out of IRs adderall (immediate release) “the good stuff” and all they have is the rush less, non habit forming, kid’s fucken chewable Flintstone vitamins XRs (extended release) left. Wut the fuq. I take my Addys IR only white coat. I came here to feel the adrenaline pumping rush like a virgin Vin Diesel, touched for the first time, hitting Nuke, while biting into slightly chilled Peppermint Patty, stomping nitrous with my foot boner while my car jumps from one building to a slightly taller building, that physically makes no fucken sense but who cares because I am high as shit and its Friday. Well, do they have them at the CVS across the street?
#142 Crossing streets.
#143 Regretting your hallway celebration end zone dance for convincing your doctor to up your Addy’s because you can’t concentrate at grocery stores.
#144 Greedy fucken millennials. What do you mean there is a national shortage of Irs? Make more. You might get some in next week but you have plenty of Xrs… I bet you do. Ok tootles. But you are Russell Brand and you need to be sorted. And all you want to do is shrimp (gay term when you drugs out of your boyfriends ass) your portly drug mule’s (Jonas Hill) crack but he is dry. FUCKKK. Ask that cunt Siri. “Call your neighbor.” Now you have to buy shitty coke from your neighbor stomped with laundry detergent that smells like poor people dryer sheets while making small talk. Can’t wait for later in the night when you make eye contact with yourself in the mirror and you promise yourself “things are going to get better when you get to high school”.
But they won’t. And Siri responds in a Maurey Polvich voice “and the lie detector determined that was a lie”. Probably shouldn’t call her a cunt.
#145 Calling your neighbors.